Should A Christian Date a Non-Christian?

QUESTION: I’ve been dating a guy for over two years now.  He feels like the man I'm supposed to marry. The issue is, when we got together, we were both atheists. Now I’m a Christian. So I’m not sure what to do. I feel no conviction to leave him, especially since our meeting seemed so providential.  But I also know that the Bible commands us to not be unequally yolked.  I’m really confused. I’ve tried to talk to God about this but he hasn’t yet given me any clear sign about what to do.

ANSWER:  Thanks for your question. You’re certainly not the first Christian to run into the conflict of "love versus religion."

First, you’re not married to your boyfriend yet, so you have time to work this out. However, as you say, you are not just idly dating for fun and games, you are actively thinking about the future and a marriage partner, and that is a mature way to look at dating. So it's smart to look down the road now, before rings get on fingers, and wonder about potential issues from the spiritual mismatch you currently have.

Secondly, this issue is bringing before you the even larger issue of how you hear from God and find his will for your life.  In this case, you seem to be clear about the guiding biblical principle, but you are looking for an inner, personal leading from the Holy Spirit to confirm or negate this principle for you.

But do you need such inner prompting? The issue is a good one for your future discipleship in many areas, not just this one: how should Scripture should inform our discipleship?

The way to look at it is that if God has already spoken on a subject, and I’m waiting around for him to give me an inner prompting to confirm, I’m not really trusting Him.  I always say to people, if we are waiting for God to speak to us, just know he’s not going to contradict himself, and give you a private nudge in contradiction to his explicitly given Word.

Now, I realize that finding the explicit direction from the explicit Word is not always easy.  But on this question, I think that moral guidance is clear:  God's perfect will is that Christians share a common spiritual foundation and Christian worldview with their spouses.

Most Christians will quote the verse you're alluding to, to establish this: 

2 Cor 6:14-15: Don't team up with those who are unbelievers. How can righteousness be a partner with wickedness? How can light live with darkness?

This probably applies to marriage, but many people I’ve talked to point out that the context does not talk explicitly about marriage.  It's broader than that.  True enough. So can we establish that God’s mind on this is clearly that Christians ought not to marry non-Christians? Yes, I think we can.

In two other ways. First, this is guidance inside of the Mosaic command (Deut 7:3-4) “Do not intermarry with them. Do not give your daughters to their sons or take their daughters for your sons.” This had nothing to do with racism, as many claim. It had to do with the potential falling away from true Faith that might come from a spiritual mismatch, as Moses makes clear in the very next verse: “…because they will turn your sons away from Me to worship other gods.”

Second, turning to another passage in the New Testament that is explicitly about marriage, Paul says to single women:

1 Cor 7:39: …she is free to be married to anyone she wants—only in the Lord. 

Meaning clearly that when we have a choice who we marry, we must marry “in the Lord” - another Christian.

Now, there are those situations when you don’t have a choice to be married in the Lord – like if you and your boyfriend had gotten married when you both were far from God, and then you turned to Jesus, God would still want you together, for sure.  (This is assuming he didn’t want to leave you after your conversion.)  But you are not married, and you do have a choice.

I know this might be hard to hear, but I do think the moral principle for disciples is that when they can, they marry a fellow believer, someone who shares their devotion to Jesus and his Kingdom.

Maybe it would help you to know WHY God would repeatedly come back to this idea.  The reasons, which I'll get to below, will stack up more later in marriage than they do now.  Now, in the flush of young love, you can imagine your compatibility on all the other stuff, your mutual attraction overcoming all.  And maybe, I dare say, you hold out the hope that your boyfriend comes to Christ - maybe through your influence.

I don't deny this has happened many times, I know several Christians who came to faith after their marriage and through their Christian spouse.

But those examples of success in winning over a non-Christian spouse don’t overturn the reasons for the rule to not marry one if we have the choice. Paul will talk to disciples married to non-Christians who are intent on leaving the Christian because of the spiritual mismatch. To the Christian who is determined to fight to keep them from leaving precisely because they might be the way they get converted to Jesus, Paul says “let them leave”, adding:

1 Cor 7:16: For you, wife, how do you know whether you will save your husband?

So the hope of conversion, though real, is not enough to overturn the concern the Scripture has for marriages that share the beauty and goodness of a common spiritual foundation in Christ.

Back to the reasons:

One, when children come along, the blueprint for how they ought to be raised will be a source of constant tension. Not only that, the children will also be far more apt for spiritual confusion if one parent thinks Christianity is simply false.  Hiding that secret contempt for the Faith would be even worse.

Two, the use of family finances is deeply related to worldview and money is already a source of tension in most marriages – spiritual mismatches exacerbate this already contentious area.

Three, the disciple grows deeper in love with Jesus every year, and to not share this most important part of your heart and your values with your spouse becomes a point of deep, deep loneliness.

Four, the disciple needs space and time and freedom to pursue what God wants, and, while the non-Christian can be OK with that, their lack of similar devotion presents a constant negative pressure on the devotion of the believing spouse… Giving, serving, attending church, fellowshipping with other Christians, prioritizing mission, sharing your faith – all this Christian activity is either tolerated (best case) or actively resisted (worst case), making the maturing of the Christian more difficult, for a lifetime.

I don't think this means you must break up immediately (if you're not married, you're not in violation of the biblical principle).  But I do think that this relationship needs to be offered up to God, like Isaac was by Abraham.  Note God’s protective rule and reasons in your mind and heart, and commit today that there will be no future inside of your control, where you will marry someone who doesn't share your love for Christ.  Then, I would simply pursue Jesus overtly and devotedly – now.  Don't hide it or put a cap on it to “make him less uncomfortable”.

It’s unfair to you both to cover the issues with a spiritual mismatch now, because they are coming like a freight train later.  So don’t work around them now.  Be you – a disciple of Jesus - fully and without apology.  It goes without saying, I hope, that you walk in Christian chastity as part of that.  Talk about Jesus, about what you’re learning, about what being His means to your heart, to your future, your priorities - without being overbearing of course.

If you do this, I predict one of two things will happen. One, your boyfriend will start to actively wonder (as may you) if compatibility in other areas can overcome lack of compatibility here. The relationship may very naturally unwind.  Let it.  It will still hurt, since you feel so drawn to each other, but God has something better, I assure you!

Or two, your boyfriend may (because of watching you) start to investigate Jesus in a way he never has, and who knows where that might lead!  This hope has to be put below your devotion to Christ, however.  And if the days show no movement here, know that every week and month your hearts become more entwined, the harder it will be to walk out your commitment to Christ's protective, loving rule: only marry "in the Lord".

It may be the heart confirmation you’re seeking doesn’t happen until Jesus knows you’re willing to follow his explicit command, wherever. Like Abraham and Isaac, Abe doesn’t get the miracle of God’s comfort until he showed he was willing to follow God’s command all the way.

Should I Respect Someone Who Isn't Respectable?

QUESTION: You taught about unconditional love and respect, but how can I respect someone who isn’t respectable?  It seems to me that respect is something you earn.  How do you respect a Charles Manson?

RESPONSE:  It's important to distinguish between the value of how one is acting and the value of the person.  The way a person acts may be, in all honestly, worthless.  But does that mean the person is worthless?  No.  That person, foolish and self centered as they may be, is made in the image of God, with will and freedom and a moral center, an immortal soul and nobility. These are gifts, you don’t earn them or work for them, they are just the value that you carry because God made us in his image.  A person is a magnificent creature, a thing of awe and beauty - no matter what.

It’s due to this inherent worth, that in marriage we can love an unlovable wife or respect a disrespectful husband.  Because it is based on their worth as children of God.   It may help you to look at it like this:  I am not respecting this man, so much as I respect the God who made him “fearfully and wonderfully”.  (Ps 139)  He made ALL men this way and there’s not a person you’ve locked eyes with who doesn’t carry the stamp of God, and therefore also an inherent worth and incredible value – they matter.

So there is no time at which they become someone whom you are “allowed to” or “ought to” disrespect.  They may have done disrespectful things and this happens – often!  Those things are not to be honored, or respected, nor tolerated indefinitely (see my example below).  

Of course, we should be long on tolerance for disrespectful or unlovable behavior, since everyone carries the disease of sin as equally as we carry the Image of God.   And that's another reason why just don’t ever have that moment where God says, “OK, now treat this person disrespectfully, because they deserve it!”

So then we shouldn’t say that love or respect should be earned.  What we are probably trying to say is that is it is foolish to trust someone who has been untrustworthy.  Yes, it is foolish to trust an untrustworthy person, since they will put you at risk by their established bad behavior.  But even with trust (as opposed to love and respect) to rehabilitate a repeat offender, trust cannot always be earned, it must sometimes be given as a gift. 

So the Christians gives love and respect and sometimes yes, even trust, unconditionally.  

What a terrible world we would live in if I only got the respect or love that my actions at any moment deserved.  Certainly there would be times that I would get praise and honor and reward, but then, I’d have just as many times as I’d reap shame and dishonor.  And then what kind of person would I turn into?  A miserable one either way, because I’d be proud and judgmental when I receive honor or I’d be shameful, guilty and fearful when I fall out of favor.  This is the yo-yo world of just desserts, of Karma, for every action an equal and opposite reaction, and it’s a world that God’s grace in Christ was meant to save us from.

But what should we do when disrespectful or unloving behavior happens, and affects us deeply?  Here’s what we do:  Don’t condone or ignore.  Also don’t treat this as a justified opportunity to become sarcastic, critical, shaming, withdrawing or vengeful – because “they deserve it”.  We have no right, because God commands respect and love unconditionally.  Instead, we approach such bad behavior with the truth in love.  We truthfully point it out (after proper self examination Matt 7:3-5) and we do so in love (Ephesians 4:15), always ready to forgive (Matt 18:22).  The language we use, is respectful, and the treatment is loving, because the person who has failed us is still valuable to God.  We respect God by respecting them, yes, even a murderer.

Now, if there’s no repentance, no honorable acknowledgement, no confession, no humility, we are not called by God to continue to expose ourselves to reckless and sinful behavior indefinitely.  This is where we say, "trust must be earned."  Paul tells Christians to “warn a divisive man once, warn him a second time, after that have nothing to do with him.” Titus 3:10.   The respect is given in the gracious confrontation and love is shown in the repeated warnings (we don't just dump people after one offense).  

But we may have to protect ourselves if the man of dishonorable character and actions won’t have the respect for himself (or God) to see correction as a gift and return to love and relationship.  So even as we may distance ourselves from disrespectful and dishonorable behavior, even if we cannot trust them, we are continuing to honor and respect that person!  How?  By giving them the honor of correction.  And the honor of honesty.  And finally we give them the honor of a choice, the honor of freedom to do as they please.

Great example I saw recently:  A man's wife left him for another man.  It was ugly, unloving behavior.  But she’s valuable to God, made in his Image, and my friend treated her like that, even after she ran off.  It was a struggle for him, of course, but this showed me it’s possible to honor a dishonorable person.   How did he do it?  He didn’t vengefully dump her.  He patiently sought good counsel and invited her into reconciliation talks.  He didn’t flame her out or seek immediate divorce.  When she showed some signs of life, he welcomed them.  He treated her nicely in their post-separation conversations, even when she was clearly still shacking up.  He didn’t maliciously seek to keep her from her son, or her stuff still lying around their house, or even half of his retirement!  All that is loving and respectful behavior towards someone engaged directly in unloving and disrespectful behavior.

At the same time, this did not go on indefinitely.  After 2 years of total abandonment, as a sort of a last act of cowardice, the cheating wife didn’t even have the decency to make official what she had clearly, already done, which is divorce her husband.  Too lazy?  Too cheap to hire the lawyer?  Who knows.  So my friend finally made official what only his wife made possible – the end of their marriage.  His action showed that we don’t simply ignore disrespectful behavior, nor do we fail to protect ourselves from it when the time comes.  We just believe that we don’t treat people at every moment as their actions deserve, and in this way my friend imitated God most beautifully. (Psalm 103:10)

And thank God for that, because, as one teacher once said, “great marriages are populated by two great forgivers.”

Should Christians Always Bear the Burdens of Others?

QUESTION: Hey Rick! questions...... I feel like I tend to be the "white knight" in a lot of relationships in my past... some find their way to codependent relationships with me and others are just a season and then the person can mend their wound and walk on their own. I feel like I always thought this was the Christian thing to do because we are called to "bear with one another and help when people ur weak or hurting". I feel like maybe I'm wrong in this. I've been challenging my thinking in this area. Thoughts?
p.s. I've been reading "boundaries" by Cloud and Townsend. LOVING it! 

RESPONSE: Well, glad you found that book already because I would send you straight to “Boundaries” if you hadn’t. I can’t add much more to that good message…

Except to underline the importance of finding the balance between saving and serving.  Only one saves, Jesus. We are called only to serve. And the Bible says serving is sometimes best done by bearing a burden and other times by stepping back from developing dependency on you as the "White Knight".

The best Scripture to underline this balance is Gal 6:1-5 -

Brothers, if someone is caught in any wrongdoing, you who are spiritual should restore such a person with a gentle spirit, watching out for yourselves so you won’t be tempted also. Carry one another’s burdens; in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ. For if anyone considers himself to be something when he is nothing, he is deceiving himself. But each person should examine his own work, and then he will have a reason for boasting in himself alone, and not in respect to someone else. For each person will have to carry his own load. HB

The most obvious question about this passage is the juxtaposition of two similar words in 5 short verses.

What’s really cool is when you look at two Greek words which are translated here as “burden” (verse 2) and “load” (verse 5). The old KJV, with its very limited vocabulary, translated them both with the same English word, "BURDEN". And that sort of created a dichotomy or contradiction for Christians. How am I supposed to carry my brother's burden but then we’re all supposed to carry our own burdens?

The answer is that these are two different KINDS of burdens.  The first is the word for that kind of burden that is a crisis that no one can carry by themselves. The root idea is “weight”.  Something too heavy for one person to bear.  The second word (vs 5) is for that kind of burden that is more like cargo or freight. Something we all have to carry day to day.

So the impact of these verses is this: “help carry the burdens for each other that are too heavy to bear alone, and let no one expect others to carry the responsibilities and duties that are his alone.”

Now, this will take discernment to implement for surely it’s a sliding scale which burdens fit into which categories. For children, it’s a moving target. What was a burden too heavy to carry this year, will be responsibility they must carry themselves next year.  Parents are wise to see that their “interventions” in burden-bearing are moving gradually less and less as the child ages.  (This is, I think, more demanding a call to moms than dads!)

But then, with friends, seasons of loss, grief, crisis or tragedy put them into a mode where some of the simplest responsibilities which they ought to always take on themselves (making food, finding shelter) are too heavy for them, and the law of Christ calls us to step in.

So, use discernment.

But what this passage says in no uncertain terms is that is it NOT a blanket Christian response to others in any kind of need, that we rescue, help, pick up after or save. Yes, compassion, and servanthood should be our calling cards, but sometimes “helping hurts” (the title of a GREAT book!) – so we are called by Scripture to avoid that, for “love does no harm to its neighbor”.